The Power of the First Date

First dates kind of stink. Maybe not so much the actual date but the decisions leading up to it.
We've talked about picking out your outfit, where to go, what to order.

On a side note, I once made the mistake of eating an everything bagel before meeting a boyfriend for a Cubs game. Hours later I discovered my mouth looked like a NY deli on 9th Ave and a week later I was dumped.

After the wardrobe choice and all of the other details are decided, first dates force us to think long and hard about how we'll behave as the night unfolds. Stay with me...

On a first date (many moons ago), a young single woman decided to play it safe, calm, and overly conservative. She wore cropped pants, a t-shirt, and a scarf from India (a personal gift from a co-worker). "Guys like the earthy look" she said as she rubbed on some patchouli and twirled her hair around her finger to make a sloppy ringlet.

She had him pick her up (even though she really wanted to walk) and she ordered a glass of wine (even though she really wanted a beer) and she laughed at all of his jokes (even though he was incredibly boring and had really small, peculiar hands for a 6 foot tall guy).

She didn't talk much about herself (she was supposed to show interest in him ---- and his small hands), and when he asked her what she did for a living, she downplayed her success (men don't like a woman who is more successful than they are!) and she offered to pay for the drinks and insisted on leaving the tip.

On the ride home (he insisted on driving her home and she really wanted to run like hell away from him) he said he had fun. She indicated she had fun too (she was after all quite courteous) and he insisted on walking her to the front door where she parted with a kiss on the cheek.

That night, she washed her face and got ready for bed. She thought, "that was worth washing my hair right?" and looked down at her dog who turned his head to the side, walked over to her bed, and went to bed. Apparently this was a time where if you don't have anything nice to say....

Days passed and she rethought all of her moves, her behavior, her decisions.
Did she wear too much perfume?
Was the scarf too big?
Should she have worn her hair a different way?
Maybe she should've played the role of the strong and successful woman.
Maybe she should've ordered a cup of tea.

To make a long story even longer, she never heard from him.
She fought her inner confident woman and held off from emailing him until a week had passed.
Closing the loop and knowing her odds of running into random people in the city, she emailed and said she'd be open to meeting again (why? those hands!) and waited for his response.

"I'm still new to this dating scene so I'll respectfully decline."
I'm sorry what?
She was shocked.
She had spent 2-3 hours trying to be the person she thought she should be.
The person she thought he wanted.
And at the end of the night it didn't matter.

What's the lesson in this?
Who cares if you have an everything bagel stuck in your teeth?
Who cares if you're proud of your career accomplishments?
Who cares what cocktail you have?
How much you weigh?
What color your hair is?

You care.
So, care.

Single girls, lets be proud of who we are.
Let's stop apologizing for our behavior on first dates, in our careers, in our lives.
Let's be exactly as we are.
Every day.
All the time.
With everyone.

You care.
So, care.

You are amazing and if a guy, or a girl, or a co-worker doesn't see that?
Then maybe they have something in their eye.

-S.G.

Ex Boyfriends Are Like College

I recently wrote about a dream I had where I wrote a letter to an ex boyfriend and shared my thoughts about how I missed him and wished him well. In a recent email exchange with a former colleague and now great friend, she asked me if I was dating anyone.

Does my relationship with the Citibank online chat service count? He was nice, we bonded. I even shared my social security number! In no time, he had accessed my financial records (kind of like my double life ex!). He gave me his direct phone number and said to call if I need anything. I had problems ordering checks the other day and left him a message. Five bucks says he won't call back.

My friend also mentioned that an ex boyfriend from back in the day had resurfaced on Facebook (shocker) and friended her. She was going to wait a bit before responding and explained that time changes people and things are never as you remember them. Which brings us to today's post my friends...

Ex boyfriends are like college; they always seem a lot more exciting and fun then they really were.

Every year I go back to Florida to visit my Mom and also my undergrad university. My years at college were rock solid. I was tan (Miami of all places), popular, and living comfortably. My dorm suite was well-decorated and my car was a dude magnet. Life was good!

Fast forward 10 years since graduation and things are so much more clear. I wasn't tan - I was sun burnt all of the time. In fact I remember one Saturday where I spent the day at the beach sans sunscreen and couldn't come within 5 feet of a toaster oven. Feel the burn people!

My popularity was limited to the freshmen class I oversaw during my year as a resident advisor. My weekends were spent policing the female dormitory identifying weird smells and late night dance party's to Sisco's "Thong Song".


And my dorm? My room, while without a roommate was cold and musty. The day I moved in, mold had grown in the corners due to a freshman who left the windows open all summer break and the parking lot was next to my bed. I spent three and a half years buying different comforters only to end up with a large TARGET bill and a storage unit full of linen.

There were good times in college. Nights out with my best girlfriend at Club Zen in South Beach. All you can drink ladies nights and unlimited food at the cafe. I had a love affair with Blue Long Island Iced Teas and sadly, we parted ways 6 months later.

Boyfriends often times feel the same. Just the other day I reminisced over a day of cooking I had done with an ex boyfriend. Working at the counter, chopping, and tasting. A couple of kisses in between. Lovely.

But when I really thought hard, I remembered being "given" my own counter so as not to invade his. I was not cutting things correctly (she slices! she dices!) and my ignorance of how to make apple butter made me feel inadequate. I spent an entire day making a pie that turned out perfect but I didn't even like the way it tasted.

Perhaps college, like my ex boyfriends were a little of both.
A little good.
A little bad.
Sometimes sweet.
Sometimes sour.

But at the end of those memories and years, we can look back fondly on our experiences.
We can relive the happy moments in sometimes lackluster times.
And as we smile at the thought of our trips and times spent,
we can be thankful we've graduated and moved on.

Dream a Little Dream

Last night I dreamt that I sent a love letter to my ex-boyfriend. Now for a little perspective, my hair was neon purple and I drove a spaceship. Just sayin'...

In the dream I sent a hand written love letter to an ex boyfriend explaining that I had been thinking about him constantly and wondered how he was doing. The letter was about a page and I spent extra time making sure it was legible (have you seen my cursive?). I don't know if I ever sent the letter though. I woke up to the sound of Bernard having puppy dreams and running in place.

What was the point of this dream?

We're told that dreams are never what we think they are. Reaching out to an ex boyfriend has nothing to do with actually wanting to get back in touch with him. In fact, it probably has something to do with a bill I forgot to pay or an email I need to respond to.

Or does it...

When I dated my double life partner, I had dreams all the time about my teeth falling out. Hang in there and listen. Maybe you've had these too?

I'd walk around my dream feeling something lose in my mouth and would reach in to find a molar that had fallen out. In these dreams, I'd neatly place them in a Ziploc bag until I could find a dentist or someone with some sort of skill to help me.

Years later I remember watching an episode of the Sopranos where Tony's teeth keep falling out in his dreams. I searched online and found out that your teeth falling out is essentially an indicator of insecurity either in your physical appearance or a decision you've made / are making. I had no idea that this was related to my relationship, but in hindsight (it's always 20/20) I now know why I had that dream basically once a week. I knew that I had made a decision to stay in a situation where deep down I knew something was wrong. I didn't know the extent of what was wrong, but my teeth knew something was off.

What does it mean when we dream about reconnecting with an ex?
What does it mean when we actually do in real life?

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Was that dream intended for me to think about that relationship?
Or do I just need to pay my mortgage?

Needless to say, I never wrote the letter that I had in my dream. In fact, the feelings that I had in that dream, while short lived and overwhelming, have already left.
I don't even remember why I wrote it...

And yet funny enough, I remember that awful purple hair.