Please, Don't Keep Me...

First off, do not sit around waiting like this woman did. Clearly the guy was just not that into her.

Last night (Friday) I had a really fantastic first date. He was handsome, incredibly smart, funny and a whole lot of other things.

My last post highlighted insecurities we face before the first date - but I didn't even scratch the surface on what happens after the date is over.

If you meet someone and hit it off you're excited for sure. You end the night with a sense of accomplishment, "Yes, there are normal people in this world" you think to yourself. You head home floating, hair still looking flawless, and ready to call it a night. A good one.

The morning comes and while still slightly floating (possibly from the numerous glasses of champagne you shared) you start your day with a series of questions;

Did he like me? Will he call me? Did I wear the right thing? (See this post for more on that). Some of the strongest women can hold their own in this world (me) but still wonder what will happen the days after you part.

The waiting game is hard. It's tedious. It's silly but somehow necessary. If he called you 30 minutes after you walked to your door you might think him to be a bit needy. If he didn't call you for a week you might be needing him when really you could care less. As women, we likely won't be satisfied either way.

I don't believe in rules. Kissing on the third date does not a long-term commitment make - nor does going crazy on the first night. I guess I'm just saying no matter what decisions we make we'll still be faced with the waiting. The wanting. We'll still be faced with the inevitable waiting all for the sake of meeting the mate of our dreams and hoping (s)he feels the same.

So don't watch the clock. Don't check your phone ringer. Don't make calls / texts out to your friends to make sure the towers are still in tact. Just enjoy the process, the time between what happened and what's to come.

The universe will sort everything out.

Does this date make my butt look big?

This week I had a first date. My guess is there won't be a second one but hey, you do the best you can, right?

The hour or so before there I was standing in front of an open closet perusing every piece of clothing I have. Unsatisfied. Wanting more. You know that feeling.

I had just bought a dress over the weekend and in the fitting room it looked very mod, flattering, tres chic even.

And then I put it on at home. It was like a garbage bag with a huge tie around the middle. The only flattering part was I now looked like a bona fide "cinch sack" and I was growing frustrated as the time to meet my date got closer.

Who knows if he didn't call back because of my hefty bag or maybe my split ends. The fact is that we (as women) tend to second guess or fabulousness on first dates. We're worried about what to wear, how to style our hair, and what perfume to spritz.

I always second guessed wearing jeans on a first date because I'd be categorized as a "jeans girl". But if I wore a dress I'd be categorized some other way. The truth is you can be categorized any way you cut it. So at the end of the day you just have to wear what's right, what suits you, and be who you are.

Tomorrow is another first date and I couldn't be more excited. I will approach it differently. I wont think too hard. I wont under plan. I'll be exactly who I am - and who I've always been; a girl who is smart, strong, sure of herself. A fantastic person who can roll with the punches, hang with the boys and giggle with the girls.

So be yourself. Wear your jeans and tank top - and wear them proudly. Sport your LBD and rock it like it's the last one on earth. Do what feels right. Wear what feels good.

And don't worry about the rear view.

(No More) Runnin' On Empty

Last night I was out for my evening run, down Michigan Avenue in the (semi) summer heat. Side note; the single girl pants are fitting more loosely these days. Less single girl days out more single girl hitting the pavement.

Running down the street dodging cars, I approached the Art Institute and glanced over at the steps. Normally you'd see the accidental tourist, high school kids posing for prom, and a few people from the suburbs staring at maps of the scary subway.

But this evening there was someone different.

A guy in jeans and a t-shirt sat on the steps looking around anxiously - left then right. He was waiting for someone, nervous, and not sure what would happen next. My eyes looked down for a moment and caught sight of something in his arms. He was holding (under a vice grip) a dozen roses wrapped in green paper tied with a simple bow.

He was waiting for love. He had traveled all the way downtown, to the steps of the Art Institute, and put himself in the most vulnerable position (between two lions) waiting for (hopefully) an amazing woman to show up with open arms.

In an instant my spirit was lifted and I thought back to an earlier conversation that I had with a friend, complaining about how I'm the only single girl left in the world. Yes, it was one of those days.

This was the motivation I needed. Not only did I finish my run 5 minutes faster than my normal time I also felt like I was being given a fresh set of "rose colored glasses".

When I passed the steps on my way home he was gone. I hoped with all of my heart that the girl he was waiting for showed up and that he didn't get stood up. Probably more for my sake than his.

To receive love you have to give love. And for someone to find you, you have to put yourself out there. So here's to the guys that are still out there, braving the rough city streets to wait on steps - between two lions - for love.

p.s. If you're out there "guy waiting on the steps" and she never showed up, email me.

You gotta have faith...

In life and specifically love, there are times when we umm... lose our faith?

I've fallen hard, flat on my face for some of the most amazing guys and at the end of the day I've been disappointed to have loved and lost.

But tis better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. Who said that?
I went online and Googled it: Alfred Lord Tennyson in 1850. Wow, old school. Even this guy knew that love hurts, and it can be a rough experience, but at the end of the day you just have to go for it.

When I was in high school I wrote in a journal all the time, every day. Yes these were actual journals where I used this thing called a pen. I tried it a couple of weeks ago and was amazed how quickly my hand began to hurt.

After every journal entry when I was younger I would sign my entries with "be true to yourself. Experience all that is possible". Thought provoking isn't it? At 15 or 16 years old I was already aware that were plenty of things in life to experience and through those experiences you have to remain committed to who you are, stand up for what you believe in, and never (and I really mean never) change what you believe to please others.

In love these words are easier said than done. When we lose love we find ourselves left to pick up the pieces and at a crossroads of decisions. Do we get "back out there?" and try and find love again? Or do we stay indoors, watching t.v. feeling slightly unhappy but content with the safety of our every day routine.

I'm not here to make the decision for you. I'm here only to say losing love is tough. But loving is... yeah, you know, awesome.

Tennyson was eloquent like a leather-bound journal with perfect penmanship. I'm me. This is who I am. A blogger who makes jokes about love and loss and is too lazy to hand write my thoughts. So in the spirit of not being eloquent, I'd like to end the evening with a quote from a very influential man in history. Please feel free to hum along:

"Before this river becomes an ocean
Before you throw my heart back on the floor
Oh baby I reconsider
My foolish notion
Well I need someone to hold me
But I'll wait for something more - - -
Yes I've gotta have faith..."

Be true to yourself. Experience all that is possible.

Lipstick On a Pig

Wikipedia says "To put "lipstick on a pig" is a rhetorical expression, used to convey the message that making superficial or cosmetic changes is a futile attempt to disguise the true nature of a product."

True nature of a product indeed.

Today's post includes a word of advice to the guys. I don't think I have a huge following from them yet (give it time).

Guys, your actions have reactions. What you say to a woman ultimately will elicit a response from her whether it be good or bad. If you put something out there that is offensive, disrespectful, and crass not only will you never hear back from her - you'll also never hear back from any woman or find a woman that will want to commit to you for the long haul.

Every day I am shocked to meet a guy that still hasn't picked up on this concept. Or to share a conversation with a girlfriend who has encountered the same.

Rule 1: Don't be a tool. If you're trying to sleep with a girl, do not solicit her. Even if you do it in the most Billy D Wiliams kind of way we can see right through it.

Rule 2: Don't put it all out there. Sometimes your deepest, darkest thoughts are scary and will cause us to run for the hills

Rule 3: Don't be Houdini. If you disappear for weeks don't conveniently reappear and ask us out as if nothing ever happened and we're still "all good"

Rule 4: Don't try and change the past. If you have done something to turn us off to you it will be very (stress the very) difficult to turn us back on. Once girls are "done" they're for the most part "done".

So a word of advice if I may to the Porky Pigs, Hamptons, and cross-dressing miss piggies; Don't try and dress it up. Don't try and cover up who you really are with a failed attempt to woo us when you've already let us down.

Reprogram your M.O. Come to us with honesty, respect, and a sincere willingness to get to know us as people - not as pieces of meat.

Chew on that.

Ode to Yo Moms

This weekend I was lucky enough to have my mom in town for a family occasion. I always learn something from my conversations with her. Sometimes I learn we really don't agree but most of the time I'm pleasantly surprised to learn about an experience she had as a young woman trying to find herself.

In life we're given opportunities, obstacles, and with every decision we make, the future becomes more decided. I spent the weekend talking to my mom about choices in life and how her choices have brought her to where she is. We watched the most interesting movie I think I've ever seen which spurred a larger conversation about the evolution of life, relationships, love, and everything in between.

Years ago my mom told me that the end is built into the beginning. At the time she was referring to a guy who appeared to be not-so-amazing and 6 years later here I am single with bupkiss.

Regardless, I was inspired by listening to her stories of love and loss. Her experiences being a daughter, a mother, a grandma, and now a sister.

My entries are long - sometimes funny - stories about my dating and life experiences but the truth is I have a lot to learn. I'm young, often times naive, and have so many things I want to experience.

Thanks Mom for helping pave the way, showing me the beginning is in the end, and of course, to stay away from tools.

Sayings That Sting: "It's Not You, It's Me"

Ahhh the age old excuse for ending a relationship that has gone no where, will go nowhere, or went somewhere and gave you nightmares for a week.

The "it's not you, it's me" explanation is tried and true. When all else fails and you've found no better way to break things off with someone you can easily whip this excuse out, throw it down on the table, and proudly walk away with your head held high.

Over time though, the "it's not you" theory has lost its luster. It has been used and abused (at least by a handful of guys I've dated) and almost every one of my girlfriends has explained their most recent break up using it's tagline.

We often times accept things as they are. It is him. It's definitely not me. But is it possible that after every failed attempt at love we should take a little "me inventory" to ensure we're not responsible for our love's demise?

When it really is him:
- He's not ready to commit
- He is ready to commit, but not to you
- He's ready to commit to you, Susan, Tiffany, Amanda and a handful of other ladies
- He never calls back, shows up on time, or does anything he says he's going to do
- He says you remind him of his mother
- When he's just not that into you (yes, I opened Pandora's box on that one. Stay tuned for a post on my assessment of the "not that into you" phenomenon)

But ladies, lets be honest. It's not always him.

When it's really you:
- You offend (and I don't mean you like to insult people)
- You boss your guy around (Do these bossy pants make my butt look big?)
- Your family can't stand to be around you
- If you like to sabotage things, especially relationships
- When you have more baggage than a major celebrity

Relationships are give and take and everyone is human. We all have our good sides and bad sides. For example, my good side includes generosity and forgiveness. My bad side? Rolling out of bed in sweats to walk my little poodle and a horribly stubborn sense of wanting my way.

Being yourself in a relationship is crucial. By being true to yourself and not changing who you are, you open yourself to finding the right person who appreciates your good and bad sides. If we cover up our emotional baggage and blemishes we hide from who we really are. That's not to say to put it all out there. Pick and choose what bags you share.

And as those bags accumulate (and oh boy do they pile up!) take some time to dig in, check our their contents, and free up some space so you'll be ready when the "it's me" is whipped out on you.

I Wanna Be Your Rebound

Oh, the joys of the rebound relationship.

I've referenced my last long term relationship a few times since I started Stay Away From Tools. Don't get me wrong it was tough. But I didn't realize how tough things really were until I experienced my first "rebound".

Wikipedia says, "a rebound refers to the ball becoming freely available after a failed attempt to put it into the goal". After the break up I was the ball and was completely available.

My first few adventures back in the dating world were eh... interesting. I dated someone for 6 weeks who broke things off with me via email (I've mentioned him before. He'll be a post in the next few weeks). I also dated someone who said the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate moments (he's on tap in the next few weeks as well).

Rebound guys could be compared to a piece of mealy fruit. They seem like such a good thing at the time of purchase and when you get them home and peel them you are horribly disappointed that you couldn't smell them spoiling a mile away.

I've dated many a sparkling shiny piece of fruit. Bright, juicy, and full of potential. When I finally got a real "whiff" I was embarassed that I hadn't noticed it sooner. We often misinterpret when we're under the influence of "break up".

He's creative = He smokes pot

He's independent = He has no job

He likes to stay fit = He has an eating disorder

He's green = He has no car

He's sensitive and values family = He still lives with his mom
(Run from this one ladies. Run as fast as you can and I beg of you, do not look back)

Mistakes happen. You may find yourself thinking you just bought produce but really bought yourself a pot smoking, unemployed, bus riding, fool. It's okay. The rebound is a process of learning, re-learning, and sometimes getting smacked by that learning again to identify the good produce, the bad, and everything in between.

Celebrating the Single Girl

My first blog entry, “Being a single girl is hard” implied that existing without a guy (or girl if that’s the team you play for) is something not to be desired. The truth is being a single girl can be hard but it can also be one of the most exciting, liberating, and enjoyable experiences known to man. No pun intended.

Over the weekend I decided that I wanted to go out for dinner, have a glass of wine, and treat myself to some delicious food and good company. Oh wait, I’m single. All of my girlfriends had plans or live too far away and there were a few people I just wasn’t interested in sharing the night with (either they talk too much, too little, or we have absolutely nothing in common – maybe some friend inventory is in order).

I took a long nap in the afternoon and threw on jeans and a tank top (the single girl uniform) and hopped in my car. Dining out alone is probably my most favorite thing to do. I call these days (and sometimes nights) the single girl day out.

I found myself at a delicious Italian restaurant on the north side of the city. I gave my car to the valet (because I was entirely too lazy to look for parking) and headed in to greet the host. “It’s only me,” I said to her with a huge grin. She looked at me sort of strangely and said “Fantastic! Right this way.” Okay, the single dinner out was off to a good start.

I was a little skeptical only because I had never attempted the "single girl out" on a Saturday night which would usually be described as “date night”. Who cares? I was single, carefree – and starving!

I was seated quickly and the service was fantastic. The waiter kept bringing me more wine and bread (the last supper but without all of the drama). I actually don’t think I’ve ever had that great of service before so it was a pleasant surprise.

I had an amazing glass of wine (or three, don't judge), salad, pasta, and crème brulee with coffee. As a side note, my pants are fitting me tighter and tighter these days. Us single gals gotta eat! My check came and much to my surprise I realized I was only charged for my dinner and one glass of wine. The waiter had “taken care of” over half of my bill.

Then it dawned on me - this waiter felt bad for me! He hadn’t asked for my number or indicated any interest beyond an occasional offer of cracked pepper or parmesan cheese - and my intuition told me he was more interested in guys than girls. He probably thought I was single, couldn’t get a date, and was instead forced to dine out on “date night” alone, eat a bowl full of pasta, a plate full of cheese, and multiple glasses of wine.

Or maybe he was impressed! Maybe he thought, “Wow this woman is in total control of herself. She’s confident, strong, and incredibly smokin’ hot. And if I were interested in women I would TOTALLY give her my digits.”

So treat yourself to a “single girl day (or night) out”. Even if you’re a happily married, kids galore woman who loves her life, job, and all that jazz. Take time for you. A dinner, a movie, a [something] to remind yourself you’re awesome and if I were interested in dating women I would totally give YOU my digits.

A Girl's Best Friend

This morning, the #1 man in my life (my dog Bernard - no that is not a picture of him but who can resist the cuteness that is Mr. Winkles?) and I headed to the north side of the city ready to take on a 5k walk to benefit the Anti Cruelty Society. The Anti Cruelty Society is what connected me to my #1 guy. I will be eternally grateful. Had I not brought home the cutest rescue mini poodle, I would've likely rescued and brought home the cutest tool.

After my last relationship there was a void for sure. I took close to a year off from dating in an effort to "rebake my bread". The first few dating experiences back "out there" were rough. I wasn't really sure what I wanted and was striking out trying to find it.

I visited my sister on the west coast for some girl time; shopping, beer, more shopping, eh... more beer. Roughly 2 hours in to our first shopping extravaganza I mentioned to her that I was contemplating getting a dog. I explained that I really wasn't interested in dating right now but really wanted a companion.

Thus began the four and a half month mission to find the man of my dreams. In April I found Bernard and have been in love ever since. He's a lot of responsibility (like most men I've dated) and when the bill comes for dinner I'm always throwing down the cash (also like most men I've dated). He doesn't have a job (I won't even go there) but he works overtime greeting me at the door when I come home, giving me hugs and love anytime I need it.

He doesn't tell me that I've put on a few pounds, he likes all of my music, and I never have to put the toilet seat down after him. I do have to clean up his poop but hey ladies, if you were doing that in a previous relationship you have other things to think about than how to fill the void.

The purpose of going on and on about my dog is that 1) he's awesome, don't be jealous and 2) loneliness, feeling incomplete, or any other not so great feeling can in fact be resolved through things other than a guy.

Guys are amazing. But a long run, a home cooked meal, a good read, a night with the girls, or whatever floats your boat can do you just fine.

So find your best friend; person, place, or thing.