Break-Up to Make-Up

If you're in a rush this Monday morning here's the short lesson:
Don't buy new make-up after a break-up with your partner.

And if you have time to read the long version, like to hear it? Here it goes:

Roughly four years ago I had a huge argument with my boyfriend at the time. I was working for a small hedge fund in Client Services holding down the fort, answering investor questions. That afternoon he and I got into a more than heated discussion about some of his "questionable behavior" and while he spent the rest of his day doing nothing, I had to suck it up and walk through some old guy the requirements of a QEP. That's "Qualified Eligible Person" for all you non-financial peeps.

After work I was broken, my eyes bloodshot, my nerves just simply shot. I headed over to the department store nearby and hit the make-up counter.

I was 99% sure the guy behind the counter was wearing eyeliner and mascara. He must be good at makeovers right?

I told him I wanted a "smoky eye". Warning: Never ask for a smoky eye.

I could've purchased a black eyeliner at the local CVS and done some experimenting at home. But my fractured heart (and ego) was telling me this called for a professional.

He sat me down, covered my face with some sludge that he called moisturizer - and began violating my face with pencils, brushes, paints, and something he called dust. Was this a makeover or a rave?

Color upon color was applied to my skin. Caking it on, still telling me along the way, "girl you are going to be smoky as all get up".

After 45 minutes my chair spun around, the mirror was placed in my hand and I was shown the casualties of smoky-eye war. Yowza.

With my bloodshot eyes and puffy face I looked like I had either just finished a night of hardcore drinking or an even rougher night of walking the streets.

Now this is four years ago so I handled the situation differently. If this happened today (first of all I'd do my own smoky eye) I'd say this isn't really what I wanted, wash my face, and nicely say no thanks to buying everything he used. Instead I thought, "hey this could work", whipped out my debit card, and paid $165 for make-up I would never use again.

Sometimes after a fight or break-up we do crazy things. After I ended things with my long-term boyfriend I moved to the south side of the city, bought a new car, rescued a miniature poodle named Bernard, and climbed Mt. Fuji. Oh and ran a marathon. You don't have to go that far.

After a break-up definitely take time to find yourself. Do something you'd never normally do. But don't (and I really mean this) ever hit the make-up counter, the hair dresser, or god forbid the tattoo parlor.

I forgot I got a nose piercing too.

You get my point.

Sexy Is As Sexy Does...

In this months issue of Women's Health magazine, an article asks men "What is Sexy?"

I've always thought sexy is more of a state of mind, a certain comfort in your own skin. Guys I've dated have said I'm sexy at the most inopportune times; cooking dinner, reading something with my glasses on, or even brushing my teeth.

The men surveyed indicated that there are things women do that are in fact not sexy at all; wearing high heels they simply can't walk in, rocking entirely too much make-up, and also showing too much skin in public.

My friend and I always joke about our single girl "uniform" of jeans and a cute shirt. It's a classic staple when going out - and when the event calls for it we may even break out jeans and a "cuter shirt".

When I've felt my sexiest it has been usually at a vulnerable moment. A time when I am truly myself, and completely comfortable. As women, we may think we know what's sexy but at the end of the day you just have to be you and know that some amazing guy will like you just as you are - and will find every quirky thing you do sexy.

I'm curious if the guys do in fact agree with this survey. What's the sexiest thing your girlfriend does? And ladies, what puts you over the edge (in a good way of course) about your guy?

Blame it On the Goose

We've all been there.
Beer Goggles (or red bull and vodka goggles).

I was perusing the About.com dating section and came across an interesting study:

"Alcohol affects how attractive we view members of the opposite sex, and more alcohol we ingest, the more attractive we find other people. But this phenomena seems to effect men more, and longer."

Interesting! While we're regretting how "feo" the guy was that we smooched, he's still reeling over how great we looked in our jeans (and slurring his speech simultaneously).

Oh it get's better:

"The researchers used facial symmetry to determine how attractive the men found their female partners, and easily determined that more alcohol equaled less ability to determine symmetry. This would explain why men will pick up women they normally wouldn't find attractive when drinking with friends in a bar."

This reminds me of a hilarious SNL skit I saw where the guy picks up the girl in the bar and when closing time comes, the lights go on, she is actually an overweight guy dressed like a woman.

"But another study undertaken also in 2008 found that the beer goggle effect wore off with female drinkers by the morning after, whereas men were still seeing their partners from the night before - and any person of the opposite sex - in a more favorable light."

This is interesting. I would've guessed otherwise.

Beware of the beer goggles!

It's Friday, payday, and we all get a little silly.

And if Saturday morning rolls around and you roll over next to someone you don't recognize, follow the advice of a Mr. Jamie Foxx:

"Blame it on the al al al al al alcohol".

Convenient Excuses for Why Relationships Don't Work

I haven't really talked about the "he's just not that into you theory". If you saw the original SATC episode where Miranda had an epiphany about dating guys that never call back, you know that he's just not that into you can in fact be true.

But don't be fooled by the phrase. It comes in other packages, neatly wrapped boxes with bows, and of course random phrases that you will find yourself sharing with your many girlfriends.

He's just not that into you. Hmmm...

After the break up of my very long term, very rocky relationship a dear friend gave me the book and told me I should read it. I came home from work, plopped down on the couch (plopped as in elastic waist band pants in full effect) and started to read.

I sat there for 3 and a half hours and read the book cover-to-cover. I have mixed emotions about the book. There are some things that are no brainers, not rocket science, and unless you're an idiot (sorry ladies) should be fully aware of. There are other concepts that are just a little too simplified for my taste.

Things that make sense:

- If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you: Fair enough. If you don't hear from a guy for weeks on end you're probably not top-of-mind.

- If he's married (and not to you) he's just not that into you: Ok this is the one where I let out a huge "Duh!".

Things that I have mixed emotions about:

- The guy should always pursue the girl. I'm an independent, strong, and assertive woman. If I like someone they will know it. In the same respect, if I don't like them they will surely feel my wrath. Kidding, I've just always wanted to say "feel my wrath"

- If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you: yes, I know this was in the list above. But a literal interpretation of this would mean that you have to talk to him ALL THE TIME. How will you go to work? Brush your teeth? Pluck your eyebrows even? If you ALWAYS have a phone attached to your head.

- The simplicity of the book is a little too... simple?

This is what I mean. One thing I've learned about relationships (and probably the most important); They are complicated and above all else they are private. What goes on between two people is best understood by those two people.

Ladies we've been there; Share something embarrassing about your guy and your girlfriends support you any way you roll. Have a friend who gets cheated on? We tell her she can do so much better.

At the end of the day, and the convenient excuses for why he didn't call, YOU have to feel ok with what is happening in your relationship. Be prepared to hear your friends opinions and thoughts - but you make the choice. You decide if an every two week convo is enough or if you need more.

You have to be happy.

Fitness As A Substitute

First off, this stock photo is totally my body. Oh yeah, don't hate. Kidding.

In life we try and keep ourselves busy. We fill our time and space with things that make us happy, content, full, satisfied.

I typically fill my time with fitness - running to be exact. A few weekends ago I ran 3 miles Saturday morning and 6 miles on Sunday. I even tried to challenge myself by drinking a few glasses of champagne the night before. You know, just to make things a little more interesting.

Ive been trying to make my own fun these days. I mean single people cant sit around at home waiting for fun to knock on their door or send them a text message, right?

I'm averaging one date a week which I think is not too shabby. In the meanwhile I'm picking other things to do:

1. Running (check, clearly covered that one!)
2. Eating (ouch. This sort of ruins the efforts of #1)
3. Sleeping (Ahhh.... )
4. Watching TV (I'm addicted to the Real Housewives of New Jersey)
5. Shopping (The numbers on my credit card are worn of)

When we're not in a relationship we may substitute "relationship things" to make up for the void. I've heard rumors that people often times replace lack of sex with a whole lot of food. Remember Samantha in the SATC movie? Yowza.

If that was the case, my single girl jeans wouldn't even go above my ankles - but I'm not quite there yet.

Substitutions are just that. I've been over analyzing certain decisions thinking they make or break what's around the corner in my potential relationships. I'm sort of done with this theory. Kiss on the first date? If he likes you it doesn't matter. If he doesn't like you then you just got rid of a toad.

Here's the thing. You just have to be yourself. You have to follow your gut, find your substitutes, or just go for the real thing. I won't judge (wink).

Single Girl Returns from Vacation

I've just returned from a relaxing single girl vacation in sunny Miami, Florida. The weather was warm, the boys cute, and the drinks.. well you know.

I had originally planned to spend two and a half weeks in India volunteering but with the recent shift in the economy and rescuing my little guy Bernard I had to re-evaluate my vacation choice.

I decided 5 days poolside would do me just fine. I canceled my India trip and quickly booked a direct flight to Ft. Lauderdale and car service to my hotel in Coconut Grove.

Here's the short lesson: Vacationing alone as a single girl is scary.

And here's the long one:

I checked into my hotel room in front of a gentleman who was visiting from El Salvador. At some point during my check in he figured out my room number and called me three nights in a row soliciting dinner and/or drinks. I declined only because he was sort of creepy and because you just never know what people are capable of. By day two I was dodging him in the hotel in my sunglasses and trench coat. Well OK, just sunglasses.

Two nights I went out for dinner alone. On my last night in the Grove I was sitting waiting for my server to bring me a menu. She walked up to my table and said, "Is it just you? Are you ok eating here all alone?" In my head I thought I was until you came up to my table and made such a big deal about it.

Within 20 minutes of all my "dining out" experiences, some random older gentleman would sit down at my table to not only pay for my dinner but spend an hour talking my ear off. It was awkward but very cost effective.

My vacation was 5 days and amazing. Long walks outside, runs at the gym, swims in the pool, watching movies, and reading books. The men were not so amazing.

Here are my top three rules for you single girls vacationing alone:

1) Make sure you stay safe. I won't get into too much detail but my hunch is that the guy from El Salvador had other intentions. Don't find yourself on the side of a milk carton.
2) If you dine alone choose to sit at the bar. There's a lower chance that a random man will sit next to you and talk your ear off. And the bar is the single person seat of choice. You can read a book, watch TV, and no one will notice.
3) Finally, do anything and everything that makes you happy on your single girl vacation. If it means taking a few days off and watching movies at home - do it. Your vacation is just that. Yours.

I'm back in the windy (and terribly muggy) city. Back to the life of the city girl.
The single girl pants are fitting snug again (bummer) but give me a few days and they'll be back in line.

So here's to you and your single girl vacation. Take at least one a year. Alone.
And do everything you've always wanted - except of course dining with random old men.

Get Out There Single People!

On Sunday after a painfully long run, I met a few friends from my old job for mexican and margaritas in Lakeview. One of the friends I see roughly once a year (she has kids, a busy social life, and our schedules never seem to sync up) and the other friend I chat with on the phone and email frequently.

After lunch and a "big as my head" margarita we began talking about our dating lives. One of my friends indicated she wasn't seeing "anyone special". I thought, why spend your time seeing someone if they're not special? Do people really date luke warm partners just because they'd rather not be alone.

Get out there single people! There's like a million babies born a minute. Wait - that didn't come out right. What I'm saying is there's always another guy or girl ready, waiting in the wings for a date with YOU!

Dating feels like a damp towel lately. Smelly, heavy, and awkward. Here our some of my personal thoughts on ways men acan revive the dating scene and bring back the fun, flirtation, and (hopefully) get the girl:

- Flowers on the First Date: I asked my male friend why goes don't do that anymore. He said because it shows that you're too interested. Huh?

- Bringing Anything on the First Date (Part Deux): My friend said flowers on the first date or chocolate (love it!) indicate that you're trying too hard. Ok so here's the thing with trying too hard. Women think you're trying too hard if they don't like you. If you're the s%&@, have a good job, education, romantic, insert other quality, then they will be blown away by such a kind gesture.

- The Spontaneous Dip: Do you remember the old black and white movies where the guy would grab his gal (yes, they were called gals back then) and dip her in the middle of the street to passionately kiss her? THAT is what first kisses should be like. They should sweep you off your feet. Poo poo on guys that aren't comfortable with PDAs.

- The Next Day Call: I went out with girlfriends last week (single girl jeans are gettin' tight again!) and one of my friends mentioned the 7 day rule. What is this! Guys have some rule where they wait 7 days before they call? Oh and one of my friends searched the obituaries after not hearing from her date.

I think you hear what I'm saying. Gone are the days where you wait 7 days to show you're interested. Showing up at the door with your cell phone in hand - is out. Jeans and tees at the local pub for a first impression is just bad form.

If you're interested tell us! By the time 7 days pass we assume you're not interested (or dead) and we've already moved on. Texting your homies while you're on a date with us is rude. And offering to buy me an Irish Car Bomb or something that explodes when you drop it in my cup does not romance make.

Dating Due Diligence

Isn't technology amazing? These days I can communicate with my friends and family, order the latest wedge sandal and have it shipped in 24 hours, and even sell random things from my home on Craigslist. BTW I have a great carpet from Target that I'm trying to sell so email me. Cash Only. $120 OBO.

But with these great technological advancements brings more opportunities to be connected and of course more openings to interconnect in really obtrusive ways.

Take for example an article I read yesterday on the Dating section of About.com. Apparently cheating was the topic of choice for the day and a woman had written in to the community asking for their advice.

She was getting ready to move in with her guy and wasn't quite sure if he was ready. So instead of having a normal adult conversation with him or god-forbid telling him she had decided she just couldn't move in yet, she went online to Facebook and set up a ghost profile. Insert stage right: Can of worms.

She pretended to be a (probably blonde) woman who reached out to him to chat innocently about life and over a few weeks their relationship grew and she asked him (note he did not ask her) to meet her in public. The night that her FB personality was supposed to meet him, she invited him over for dinner. He told her he was really tired and was just going to stay in (this is where Id like to point out that his behavior went from innocent to questionable).

Anyway the article went on and on. She confronted him, he was pissed that she had done such a juvenile thing (I agree) and they duked it out in the alleys. No seriously. The article ended with this woman soliciting the advice of the online community asking us (people like me for heavens sake!) what she should do.

There are a few things that I pointed out in the comments and then self-servingly put in a link back to my blog (sneaky):

1. If you have to pretend to be someone you're not to get an answer from the person who you intend to spend the rest of your life with, maybe it's time for some relationship inventory.

2. I am not siding with the guy. What he did was dishonest and questioned his trust. He could have just as easily said he was meeting a friend, etc.

3. If you're asking the world wide web whether or not you should trust your boyfriend, I'm going to go out on a limb and say ummmmm no.

I went out on a date with someone and he told me that he had googled me before he met me. He apparently was looking through my race times, my old blog (which he told me he didn't read much of because he got bored), and making sure I wasn't a crazy person. He asked me if I Googled him as well. I told him, if I want to know something about you I will just ask you.

So what's the point of all this Googleing, Facebooking, etc? Well if you Google me, there are results for someone with the exact same name - and she is married. There are also results for me, my family, and people I've never met before.

The point here ladies is that the world wide web should be what you use to email and read the news - not what you use to base your relationships. People have skeletons, fair enough. But if you have doubts or concerns why not take it old school (think 2way pager) and ask your partner directly. And of course if you don't believe him go online and Google away.

My Good Friend, Rose (Colored Glasses)

A few months ago I went online for love. Yeah, I said it!

It didn't work out for me. I dated someone hot and heavy for two months and then he vanished into thin air. He resurfaced a few weeks ago and while I wont get into details lets just say that I probably wont hear from him again.

During my 2 month infatuation I toted my new romance to one of my friends. It was fun, flirty, and full of excitement. It motivated her to get online as well.

Somewhere between the time he slipped into the online abyss and she entered her credit card information for her monthly love subscription, the tables turned.

My door closed and her window opened.

My friend who I often refer to as "rose colored glasses" found a fantastic man who likes her exactly the way she is. It's still early in their relationship and they are learning more and more each day (I know this because I hear it on our way to work, text messages, emails and phone calls).

But I see in her what I see in many.
I see love.

Now what will happen with rose colored glasses? Only she and her guy will know. But I do know that I am truly happy for her and hope I will find the same even if for a short period of time.

If you asked me six months ago I'd be a complete skeptic.
Now I'm a realist.
Love is real.

So here's to my friend Rose and her fantastic glasses. I'm putting my pair on (behind closed doors of course) and I'm excited to see what's around the corner.

And look how well that turned out!

Quote from Norman Bates, Psycho (1960): "A boy's best friend is his mother."

And there you have it my female friends.

The Serial Dater

First dates are plentiful.

Long term commitments are few and far between.

The serial dater is a man to be feared. He's (usually) tall, dark, and handsome and has a certain "I'm a good guy but give me one week of not calling you and you'll want me more for some weird reason" air about him.

He approaches dating with a certain je ne sais quoi that is irresistible and undeniably intriguing.

But beware my precious friends. The serial dater comes with risk.

1. You may wake up one morning and realize you've been dating someone that will never commit. Oh and then you'll head out the door to appear on Maury Povich.

2. You'll find that you're more of yourself when you're with him but you're completely lost when you are without him. And anytime I reference lost in my writing please know that I don't mean this in a romantic way. I mean you really don't know your head from your ass.

3. The serial dater will never be satisfied. You could work out, study, make money, buy new clothes, throw back beers with Ghandi and you would still not be enough woman to win him over.

4. You'll mark your calendar on the dates that you've communicated (usually only by email or text because the serial dater doesn't know how to communicate using his mouth) and/or had an outing to ensure that your relationship is still in fact breathing.

Now before I hop off my soap box (it's quite comfy in fact) may I just say that the serial dater may have a love out there for him.

He may be satisfied with a woman who doesn't believe in marriage (unless he proposes). She will be conveniently noncommittal and will secretly pray at night that he'll realize she's "the one".

I loved a serial dater who held my heart for many years. And at the end of the long road I knew that I was wiser, stronger, slightly skeptical, and had a few more stress lines on my face.

So beware the serial dater and his ability to "woo" for he'll love you always, treat you kindly, but he'll never commit to you.