Talk nerdy to me

Do you know who Clark Warren is? I'll give you a minute. Go ahead. Google it even. 

Yes, he is the founder of eHarmony.com and also the creator of the infamous eHarmony questionnaire that tries to match couples based on similar interests, values, and all that hubbub.

Here's a fun fact; Did you know that on average, 236 eHarmony members marry every day which accounts for 2% of U.S. marriages? I tried to find the divorce rate of those members but was sadly, unsuccessful.

The purpose of the introduction to Mr. Warren is a recent piece of information that he shared about compatibility. Chew on this:

"A couple needs to be within one standard deviation of each other in intelligence" (that's 10 points in either direction for all you non-brainiacs out there).

That explains why my ex-boyfriend of 6 years didn't last. Well that, and his unique ability to lead a double life for 5 1/2 of those years. But I digress...

So how do we define intelligence? 

Psychology today says that "reading a road map upside-down and generating synonyms for the word "brilliant" are two very different skills but each is a measurable indicator of general intelligence".

On my most recent road trip with a great love, we struggled to navigate the streets of Central America in an economy grade 4WD and me, a (sort of) bilingual city girl. Did our inability to "gire a la izquierda en la tienda" lead to the demise of our relationship only months later? Or were we just two directionally challenged lost gringos?

I discovered the other day that exercise is the only thing that builds brain cells. But once we build them, is it a case of “if you don't use it, you lose it”? Or can I simply run 26.2 and be the next Albert(a) Einstein (think less mustache, more make-up, and a slightly sexier lab coat).

If this is in fact true, that compatibility lives within one standard deviation of intelligence, then I say all future prospects must submit to me an IQ test and scores.

I declare that our compatibility is found in simpler things like our core values, an outlook on life, our ability to love and perhaps most importantly, our willingness to communicate… everything.

Perhaps my true loves intelligence is within two standard deviations of mine (gasp!) and we’ll never experience joy because Dr. Warren says we’re just not a fit. For shame!

The more peculiar thing is that I tried eHarmony for a month or so. I met a very nice person who turned out to be looking for very different things and our standard deviation becomes exponentially larger than I had ever imagined.

I have to believe that my future love is not dependent on meeting the guy that can read maps

And if I’m wrong about all of this? Then your ability to know if a train leaves from station A headed to station B with 100 gallons of gasoline will arrive before dinner time is imperative to the success of our courtship, our engagement, and ultimately our love.

And if you’re interested in testing my theory, please rearrange the following letters to make a word and choose the category in which it fits: RAPETEKA

a. city

b. fruit

c. bird

d. vegetable

(It took me 17 seconds.)

- Single Girl

Compatibility: Art or Science?

This morning while eating my Cheerios with skim milk and coffee (coffee does not actually go in the cereal), I stumbled across a really interesting article about compatibility. 

I stopped at this part of the article:

"From family researchers to matchmakers, each has watched countless couples draw together and pull apart. And each suggested the same thing: We're looking at love all wrong. Compatibility does not hinge on some personal inventory of traits. Compatibility isn't something you have. It's something you make. It's a process, one that you negotiate as you go along. Again and again. It's a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work."

This last part hit me - and hard. Compatibility is a disposition, an attitude, a willingness to work. Our compatibility levels go beyond our interests ("You love Thai food? I love Thai food, too!") and expand into our willingness to work through the issues that get in the way ("You don't believe in marriage? Wait, I do."). 

You've met your match is something we often times see as a sign of conflict, disagreement, a bump in the road. But meeting your match can in fact be very positive because you're forced to not only evaluate and communicate with the person in front of you but you're also forced to turn the mirror around and look at yourself. What is it that I do that makes it so challenging to be in this relationship? How can I address the issue I have with X? And more importantly, how can I communicate this need to my partner?

More from the article on chemistry: 

"...While we're redefining compatibility, let's banish its more combustible cousin, "chemistry," that black box of a term too often invoked to denote the magic ingredient of a good relationship. Chemistry is an alluring concept, but much too frequently people use it to absolve themselves of the need to consciously examine their approach to one another. As if the muse of love will alight on their shoulder and sprinkle fairy dust on them, and then they will suddenly open their eyes and behold The Perfect Mate—without prying open their own heart, embracing an unwavering willingness to see the other in a positive light or doing the hard work of exploring, knowing and respecting another human being."

This part of the article was spot on for me. Chemistry is so often used as an excuse for why something didn't work out ("We just didn't have chemistry any more"). Typically these feelings come on after the initial dating stage has passed and the infatuation of your new mate fades. The chemistry you shared with someone is still there, it's the real world things that now start rushing in that can put chemistry on the back burner and force you to reexamine the connection with your partner.

This idea that fairy dust can be sprinkled and we'll be magically in love forever with tons of chemistry and never a tiff or quarrel is just not realistic. I'm not being negative, I'm just being a realist.

To find love, you have to give love. 

To get past bumps in the road, you have to be willing to try and drive over them, tear them down, even if you have to dig them out.

The tipping point is our willingness to actually do it, to work on it, and to try and perfect it.

In my opinion this is in fact an art.

(Read the full article from Psychology Today / About.com/dating here.)

"If I could do anything, I would..."

Sometimes, something can move you to a place you haven't been in a long, long time.
A first kiss can send us reeling. A powerful story puts everything in perspective.

Yesterday I had the chance to participate in a unique opportunity.

My company sent me to a K-12 school in Highlands, North Carolina to tell a 16 year old girl that she had been selected as a top 40 finalist for a contest she entered. She was picked out of 33,000 kids across the country who sent in their own drawings.

Next week she'll fly to New York with her Dad to find out if she won. A college scholarship, a computer lab for her school, and a celebrity in her town.

Bringing her up on the stage yesterday and listening to her share her inspiration for her artwork was incredible. She wants to branch out, beyond her small town, and discover everything the world has to offer. She wants to experience things, learn as much as possible, and go where ever the road of life takes her.

At the heart of her journey, she knows that her community, her school, family, and heart will always be in Highlands. She knows that her journey so far has shaped her for what's to come.

And she's only 16.

This girl is wise beyond her years.

Single girl learned yesterday to take a minute once in a while and let the experiences around us shape us. Open ourselves up to others and learn that a lot is happening outside of our own personal world.

After yesterday, my biggest problems seem like minor hiccups.

Be inspired by those around you.

Stop and listen to others stories.

Be inspired.

(And maybe - just maybe - you'll get your fifteen seconds of fame.)

Thanks Highlands, NC for the inspiration!

Single Girl Fall Down, Go Boom.

A week or so ago I went to the Cubs game on a Saturday afternoon. En route to the ballpark I was feeling incredibly optimistic. The wind blowing in my hair / helmet (or helmet hair really), a beautiful sunny day in Wrigleyville, and the sounds of the beer vendors offering refreshing Old Style. Warm days in Chicago are unbeatable.


Roughly one block away from the park a car stuck in traffic decided to abandon their ride and walk one block to the park while the driver parked the car. They opened their door on me. No, I wasn't doored.


I was a quick thinking single girl, and I swerved to avoid the mishap. What I did not know was that (in true Cubs traffic fashion) there was another car a foot in front which I not-so-gracefully plowed into the back of. Rubber met bumper and I was thrown over the handlebars, head first into a rear windshield, followed by a graceful roll onto the ground. 


Damages were minor, with the exception of a slashed leg and slightly bruised jaw (nothing a little concealer can't cover up). But the feeling I had lingered for days after.


The passenger blamed me ("There's no bike lane here lady!") and the woman whose car I dove into cleaned me up with Neosporin, band-aids, and a bottle of water. "Can you tell I'm a mom?" she said. "Amen for you," I said and hobbled off to the game.


The point of this story is 1) watch out for d-bags who open their doors in the middle of traffic in Wrigleyville, and 2) be prepared that in life we can get doored at any moment (or thrown off our smooth ride head first into a suburban woman's car).


In all seriousness...


The ride I've been on recently has been amazing. It has taught me things about myself, things about others, that I can feel a certain way and not be completely jaded by my past experiences. My most recent ride has been inspiring and has renewed my faith in the good in people. 


My ride ended abruptly.


It was a shock at first. I couldn't believe what had happened. I was stunned.
And then I realized what had happened, and I was crushed.


I'm still recovering and mending my wounds. Still a faded mark but almost fully healed.


Would I have avoided my ride knowing that it may not end perfectly? Should I have opted to stay home and feel safe, protected, and sheltered from the world. 


Absolutely not.


I was strong. I opened myself up to the possibilities of an amazing experience...
And I found one.


Single girl pulls herself up. Wipes the dirt and gravel off of her bike.
She gets back on, straightens her helmet (for protection) and rides off. 


I don't know what I'll ride onto next.
But I know I'll keep going.

Sourpuss

When I get into a running groove, my tongue sticks out of the corner of my mouth. The strange stares along the running path remind me to: 1) open mouth; 2) push tongue back in; 3) continue cardio; 4) repeat if necessary.

When I get really focused on a project I look very angry. It's not uncommon for a stranger walking down the street to tell me "Smile!". I'm knocked out of focus (and slightly annoyed because now I'm distracted) and I give them an innocent smirk that says, "thanks person I've never met before.  Oh, and BTW mind your business".

Does your mood affect your attractiveness?

When I'm sad I look tired. A sleep-deprived single girl requires a good spackling of under eye concealer and an even better blow out.

When I am feeling positive and happy, the energy is undeniable. My danish knees (I'm not danish but my knees look like pastry rolls) are thin and athletic. My split ends run for the hills, and my teeth shine like pearls.

My size 10 frame becomes that of a super model and I am flawless.

How do we control the visual impact of our emotions? When we are sad should we hold back tears so no one knows we're struggling? When we're angry should we throw things and yell?

I think it's unhealthy to lock these feelings away. To hide from the world what we're really going through can build up and cause emotional explosions. Holding things in not only creates internal turmoil but when you do finally explode (or implode, no judgement if that's how you roll), there is an aftershock, there are casualties, and there is damage that can never be undone.

But will you see me throwing myself down on the floor in self-pity?

Never.

Disclaimer: I said you won't see me. It could happen. But trust me when I say, you won't see it.

So go ahead.

Cry/Yell/Scream/Laugh/Shout it out.

We'll look the other way and be here when you're done.

Seasons Change

When I was in 7th grade I sported some of the most bizarre hair styles you could ever imagine. Single girl rocked brat braids (google it), corn rows, high pony tails and spiral curls.

In high school I worked at the GAP and my style changed from around-the-way-girl, to standard khakis and royal blue dress shirts. My idea of dressing up was a denim skirt and a polo. It was casual and simple. 

College days came around and I went through a crazy identity crisis. I showed up to the dorm in a tie-dyed hemp dress, and wrapped up freshman year in club clothes and heels.

The point of telling you about these changes? First, be careful who has a camera. Don’t pose proudly wearing a North Carolina Tarheels jersey and your hair matted to your forehead. Second, much like fashion, things in your life will change.

What was your favorite shoe in your early 20s? How did you define “dressing up” in your teenage years?

My love for the boot cut jean changed with my hips and a once comfortable stiletto, now accumulates dust in the back of my closet.

During any given fashion craze, I thought that my choice of apparel would be a life long commitment. At the age of 60 I’d still be rockin’ out in hemp clothes, smoking pot, and listening to Lauryn Hill.

I was wrong.

Things change. And our wants, and more importantly our needs change too. If you asked me six months ago if I’d spend the rest of my life wearing jeans and a cute shirt, I’d say yes.

But jeans and a cute shirt don’t always fit the frame. On occasion, our “go to” staple does not go to us.

We are left feeling confused. 

We are lost in a sea of clothing – searching for something that fits and not really understanding why that same outfit that fit so well is no longer a perfect match.

I’m not here to tell you what to wear, how to style your hair, or what color suits you.

Just know that from every phase in our (fashion) life, we are learning. 

We are loving. 

We are discovering who we are and what we deserve.

We are often times lost.

Sometimes we are found.

But always know that we are wonderful.