You've got a fast car...

Is there a new trend happening that I don't know about? Have my female comrades left me out of the loop intentionally?

The "I'm a man with a lot of money and I will try and use it to get you" trend? I swear I didn't see it in last month's Cosmo. I must be out of touch.

I dated someone (short lived) who threw around brands like they were going out of style. He should've just walked around with a sandwich board that says "I paid way too much for everything I own just to try and impress you. And it's not working".

Fast cars? Wow - so you overpaid for a big piece of metal that still needs an oil change, can still have flat tires, and when the sun is blazing hot and humid, your butt will be sticking to your seats. That's hot.

Fine dining? I'm blown away that you buy bottles at a 500% mark up just so you can sit down at a club with people that are half your age. Please let me sit too.

Oh you travel? You flew 20+ hours to an exotic location to beer bong and take pictures of women in their bikinis. I'm finding it more difficult to resist you.

Please stop.

Disclaimer: I do not want to date (nor will I fall in love with) a guy who is unemployed, without transportation (I'll ride on your handlebars!), or who eats Spam every night.

I'm in the market for a real guy. Terribly sweet, romantic, dips me in the middle of the street, and brings flowers on the first date - even if it is corny.

Price tag of the aforementioned first date: $20 max for flowers.
My respect and interest: Priceless.

I don't want to know what you can buy before I know what you stand for.

Show me you care, before you show me your car.

Please.

Stop.

Are You the One?

Do you think that there is one person out there that we are meant to be with?

Chew on it. Go ahead. I'll wait while you figure out how you feel about it.

I used to think there was one person. My dating experiences and past loves throughout my teens and twenties tell me this may not be the case.

Let's think about it:

If there was one person meant for us on the earth that would be a completely cruel joke. Whoever put this one person on earth for us would be laughing as we go all across the country (globe even!) trying to find the person that makes us complete.

What if my "one" is a goat herder in some third world country? Herder by day, village idiot by night. Does that mean I'll never truly know love unless I stumble upon him one day? Cruel.

Is it rather the "one for now"?

My boyfriend in 8th grade (and I use the term boyfriend loosely) was shorter than me, not at all my type, and the only thing we really shared was our love for the cafeteria nachos and R&B music.

The one is relative to the situations we're in at that moment. When we're married we've found the one. If that marriage sinks, we look back and say that person just wasn't right for me (or insert other explanation for why it didn't last).

My point here is this:

Is life just a series of experiences to build us up (and occassionally knock us down)? They allow us to learn about who we are, what we love, and what we loathe. For example, I hate beets. They are not "the one" for me.

Are there many "ones" all over the world in different forms ready for us to uncover, unravel, and experience? The "one" doesn't have to take form in a man or woman perhaps. Maybe our "one" is our commitment to family, giving back, working out, [insert your "one" here].

I feel like this is the best answer for why I'm still on my journey. Everything I experience is part of what molds me into the person I am. The "ones" make me smarter, wiser, quicker on the draw.

If I'm totally off on this one (which I could be) I should probably start traveling the globe to try and find the love of my life - and if he'll let me (and he's into me), join his herd.

Say what you mean to say

And here you thought you were getting a blog entry about John Mayer.

Sucker.

No, this is not a tribute to John Mayer and his overdone soulful numbers that appeal to every single girl in the city. On a side note, "Slow Dancing in a Burning Room" is one of my all time faves and gets serious airtime on late Saturday nights or early Sunday mornings.

This entry addresses the issue of those that say one thing and then do the other.
Here's what I mean at its simplest form:

If I say I'm interested in learning about the evolution of man - I really am interested in the evolution of man. There's no hidden meaning in my statement. I don't secretly mean that I'm interested in learning about cellular mitosis (single girl can use big words too).

If I say I'm looking for love? I am in fact looking for love.

Every woman has dated a guy who says one thing but does the other. What I'm learning more and more these days is people really do say things just to say them. This is a concept that I remember encountering as a teenager but at the age of 30 we should really have our statements and our subsequent actions in sync.

Last night my friend and I stayed up late talking about how self-actualized we are. Don't laugh. I know, I know. Hard to believe, but single girls can have philosophical nights too.

You know, Maslow's hierarchy of needs? I think Maslow had it all wrong. I know way too much about myself and what I want. I know more than I want to about the guy for me, the girl I want to be, and what's wrong and right. In relationships I over analyze, and I'm completely logical.

I think those that are less self-actualized have it easy. They think less, do more, feel too little. Could it be those that understand themselves less have more opportunities for love? They don't know enough about what they want so any Tom, Dick, or Harry will do?

I wish sometimes I was the girl that just didn't get it. And then I wake up and see how far I've come. How I didn't spend any longer than I needed to in relationship that was headed for "No-Wheresville" (Population: My Ex Boyfriend).

I think I'll be just fine "putting it all out there", saying what I really mean and dealing with the relationship casualties along the way.

Friends with Benefits

First off, I haven't heard this term thrown around since I was in high school. I was surprised to read online that 1) people still do this and 2) people still call it by that name.

As a young adult it had a certain sort of appeal in sound. It was mysterious. What were these benefits that these friends were sharing? As an adult it just confuses me. Is this friend with benefits an HMO or PPO? Are you limited to one person with a $10 co pay or are you free to go anywhere you choose and get stuck with a large bill. I could go on and on with this analogy but I'll keep it PG13.

About.com posted a letter from a woman who wrote in explaining she was interested in turning her "friend with benefits" into her boyfriend. He was clear that he didn't want a relationship with her - and she was clear that she did.

Fair enough.

Walk away.

Try again.

But instead she continued to offer up her "benefits" with the hope that one morning he'd come to his senses and realize that she was in fact the girl for him. I think she is still waiting for this happen, hence her helpless plea to solicit advice from the about.com community.

When expectations are set they are then followed. If you present yourself as wanting X and then one morning ask for Y & Z? You might find that the other person was perfectly happy with your original expectation.

That's not to say that things can't change. I'm learning more and more that rules don't really matter if you're interested, if you care, if you love.

One word of advice Ms. PPO waiting for your HMO to step it up;
You can't make someone do something they don't want to do. And you can't get full coverage when you've already signed up for something different.

BFF

There's something to be said for the love, laughs, and amazing wine you can share with a good friend.

One of my closest friends stays over in the city once a month. We've just started working out before consuming large quantities of take out and drinking bottles of wine with pretty labels. (Skinny girl jeans are falling off of me - and not by choice!)

Tomorrow night we're "on tap" for a night of highlighting her hair, homemade pizza, and dishing the dirt on (my) dating life. It's been pretty uneventful lately I have to admit so that part of the night might be replaced with cat walking in the kitchen (again).

After a failed romance or even just a horrible date, a good friend makes everything better. No matter how low you're feeling about anything - and I mean anything - a great friend can lift your spirits, get you back on track, and talk some sense into you when all you really want is to be the victim.

Girlfriends are honest (if they're the real kind) and they will tell you the absolute truth even when it's not what you want to hear. They remind you you're amazing, you deserve better, and if you have the slightest bit of unhappiness or regret they encourage you to trust yourself.

During love and loss I have been beyond lucky to have amazing people supporting me every step of the way. If I hadn't, things would probably have turned out differently. I've experienced some very "tough love" from these friends and while at the moment I was resentful and upset, I look back now... and I'm grateful.

I can't even begin to repay them.

Guys come and go - good friends are forever.

Over It

I dated someone for many years who hated that I could get over certain things so quickly. "I'll deal with it" I'd say and then within 5 minutes my lackluster mood would go from Angry Amy (she's Debbie Downer's distant cousin) to a much happier, more positive outlook.

A woman who has reached her limit is a woman who cannot be won back over. We see this in every day life; man cheats and woman takes him back (maybe if he's lucky). Man cheats again and woman kicks him out and never looks back.

As women we're programmed into thinking - better yet, knowing that we deserve nothing but the best. And I don't mean fine wine and expensive cuts of meat. I mean respect, and love, and the decency to return phone calls and do what you say you're going to do.

A good friend told me once that I get very excited about things and if something deters me in even the slightest way I tend to abandon and jump ship because it didn't go as planned. I agree with this (especially with bad fashion choices; skinny jeans in sight! Abort! Abort!). But I also feel that if you feel like you're done - more than likely you're done.

eHow.com posted instructions on how to forgive a cheating ex. eHow.com says "The hardest part of forgiving is that, let's face it, we don't really want to. " Amen to that one.

They then go on to give you 12 steps on how to create forgiveness in your life.
Do you really need 12 steps from the internet to convince yourself? Or do you already know what you "need to do".

Where I disagree? Forgiveness does not mean you have to take them back. I forgive fashion for inventing the "teased bang" but that doesn't mean I will rock it out to dinner in 2009.

Forgiveness and letting someone back in? Two very different steps.
I forgave someone who hurt me but I did NOT let them back in my life.

Forgiveness brings peace in your life. Healing. The ability to move on and open yourself to new things.

Big bangs?
Nothing but trouble.

The Club Scene

It’s old.

Oh wait, I’m supposed to be giving advice. At 21 or 22 the club scene “rocked the nation” as I would say. It was sexy, had an abundance of strobe lights, and the drinks in the plastic cups were more delicious than nectar from some exotic fruit. Being a young, dumb, 21 year old was awesome.

And now here I am on the cusp of 30.

I haven’t stepped foot in a true club in what feels like years. I’ve visited the occasional “lounge”. The difference being nothing really, except a smaller dance floor and slightly more clothing. Maybe cleaner bathrooms.

I celebrated with my friend when I closed on my home and hit a club for old time’s sake. It was exotic dancer night (had I known I would not have gone) and some 5 foot tall guy in converse was working the floor. I’ve never been the same since. No seriously, I’m still recovering.

The club scene is old.

It’s like the Viagra triangle in Chicago on a Saturday night.

When I did frequent the club scene I had zero success. I met my ex boyfriend in a dance club and for six plus years toted the phrase “you can meet good people in clubs”. Touché.

Clubs are like a bad fashion trend. The Maxi dress. Or skinny jeans, perhaps.

You see them on other people, they look amazing. You try them on and convince yourself you can pull it off. You rock them – hard. And weeks later you find pictures of you in those skinny jeans circulating and you look awful. You’re bloated, greasy, stumbling - - - oh wait, are we still talking about skinny jeans?

All I’m saying is be cautious of the club scene.
You won’t find me there anymore.

Besides my tube top dress just doesn’t fit me like it used to.

Vacationing as a Form of Relationship Counseling

Symptoms: Lackluster romance, questionable sex life, microwave dinners, and zero nights on the town.
Diagnosis: Relationship-itis
Rx: Mexico

Why is it that when relationships get tough, couples immediately turn to a vacation somewhere warm, sunny, and full of booze?

Hey don’t get me wrong. Sand between my toes and an umbrella in my drink has single girl written all over it. And I’ve been there. How do you think I got to Senor Frogs and gained 5 lbs in 3 days from margaritas? I digress. When it’s the only time you can get along with your partner something just doesn’t add up.

I have a friend who dated a guy for years. Every 9-12 months things would get incredibly rocky and she would be ready to break things off with him. She’d build up the courage to sit down, convince herself she could do better, and then he would book a weekend getaway to some place over 90 degrees and all inclusive.

She’d come back from her vacation rested, satisfied, and would have a rockin’ tan that would make a grown many cry.

And I’d be like, “what’s the deal?” channeling my inner hair-dresser, trying to get her to remember all those things she said before she left. “Oh we worked it out” she’d say.
Apparently an open bar and guacamole does wonders for a failing relationship.

“Working on things” comes in many shapes and forms. Vacations, experimentation, and new adventures. And I say, go for it! You may find that an extended weekend is all you needed to get things back in the groove.

But if you get off that plane from Cancun and you’re standing at the terminal arguing about how close you should be standing to the rotating luggage turnstile? Maybe it’s time to have that 9 month talk.

Again.

Trust Me

A wise (and fashionable) woman once told me that in relationships we have a “trust cup”. Over time that cup fills as we learn about our love, we begin to rely and count on him/her during tough times, and as we share experiences and become closer.

Our cup takes time to fill. In some relationships it never reaches halfway. Other relationships it overflows. And in cases where we lose trust, it holds less and less until it’s completely empty...

... And nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

Trust is a huge part of a relationship. If you can’t trust the person closest to you emotionally, physically – why are you there?

Trust can be built.

It can be broken.

And into every relationship a little test of trust will fall.

I’ve learned the hard way. My cup was empty for a long time. And by the time I had enough nerve to speak up about it, I got slapped (proverbially, of course) in the face with it and had no clue what hit me.

This is a serious post; To say that you deserve to not only trust your love but also trust yourself. Listen to your heart, your head, and the undeniable feeling of instinct.

Keep an eye on your cup and its levels. Regular inventory is required by all means.
And if you wake up one morning with a cup that’s cold or unforgiving, call me.

I’ll remind you that you’re amazing and right around the corner is another amazing opportunity to fill back up again.

Left Holding the (Bridal) Bag

(Written 7/13/09 10:00 p.m.)

This evening I'm on a plane headed to the west coast on a direct flight to Seattle.
I’m not jet-setting in the true sense of the word but I will order myself a strong V&T (that’s a vodka tonic for those of you who aren’t cool).

The woman who I sat next to (who is now sleeping and snoring simultaneously) told me she was in town for a reunion with girlfriends she hadn’t seen for close to 30 years. “What brought you to Chicago for your reunion?” I pried half-interested secretly hoping I could fake a deep sleep once we took off. “My friend’s daughter was supposed to get married this weekend but her fiancé canceled the wedding four days prior.

Ouch-a-ma-goucha.

Out of no where, I smelled a deliciously fragrant blog entry forming. She went on to tell me far more than I really should’ve known. I felt like my hair dresser who knows way too much about me. If gossip had a price tag she’d be charging me a hell of a lot more for my partial highlights and blow out.

“Go on girl”.

And she did. I learned about the fiancé’s gambling problem, his insatiable desire to never move out of his mom’s house, and his poor credit score that made him unable to co-sign on their newly purchased condo.

After we took off and she fell asleep I felt guilty – but also inspired to tackle the topic from both sides. As a woman (and if you are one reading this entry you probably still have a look of horror on your face) we immediately are angry at the guy. “How could he do such a thing?”

But let’s really dissect this one. The whole living with your mom thing just screams “run” especially at 32. Yes, I also learned his age.

But the cancelling of the wedding four days prior? Yes it’s hurtful and unforgiveable. But what is the alternative? This guy marries the girl, cheats on her, is unhappy, gets a divorce anyway and she’s left holding the bag.

This girl clearly dodged a bullet. A nuclear missile perhaps. Before we go judge and assume he’s a loser, dirt bag, jerk, or pond scum even – think about the bigger picture.

You say, “That was so wrong, girl!” and then put some more foils in this lady’s hair.
I say hurtful indeed. But at the end of the day she deserves better.

And as cliché as it (always) sounds on the receiving end, everything happens for a reason.

Whistle While You Work

When I was in high school I took two buses and a train to get to and from school. My total commute was close to two hours long and during that time I was forced to wait patiently on the street for the CTA bus or train to get me to my final destination.

Waiting on the street has its ups. In the summer you get a solid three hours outdoors in the cool breeze and warm sun. It also has its downs. For those of you that know Chicago, you know our winters are brutal and unforgiving (sort of like these white pants I bought last year from Ann Taylor).

Probably more brutal were the long waits and the cars that drove by whistling, honking, and making kissing noises.

Why do guys do this? You don't see any woman hanging out of their car windows motioning lude gestures and saying, "hey baby wanna ride?". We're not really programmed that way. Now that's not to say that all guys are. There are plenty of gentleman who are fully capable of walking down the street and not commenting on my backside (single girl pants fitting again btw!).

Have you ever walked past a construction site? It is like you were the last woman on earth and they are all fighting for your attention. If you're single girl pants aren't fitting that day it might be a nice ego boost. If you're just trying to get to work it's pretty damn annoying.

I say we flip the script. Throw on our yellow hard hats and reflective vests (Does this jack hammer make my butt look big?) and hit the streets to return the oh-so-generous gesture of whistles, cat calls, and smooches.

Or maybe we just go about our days. Holding our heads high, carrying ourselves as ladies as we walk down the street and pay no attention to the stares and drool dripping on the cement.

And if you just can't simply look the other way - then take a new route to work and cross your fingers that no new buildings are going up on your path.

Music to my ears

Did you know that someone can be sensory dominant? Like your touch or taste has more impact on you than what you see or hear.

Yeah, okay I totally just made that up but it was pretty believable right? It sort of makes sense.

We have 5 senses (duh) but they are all amazing.

My strongest has to be either smell or sound. It's a toss up. For me the smell of someone or something can trigger memories 20 years back and can send me into another world.

Try it.

Go to the department store and spray a perfume that you used in high school or college. What does it do? It sends you back. It takes you back to warm summer nights, long afternoons outdoors, and time spent with people that were part of your life at some point, changed who you were, and whose actions molded you into the person you are today.

I dare you.

Tonight is a Thursday night (but feels like Friday) girls in. I've got a glass of Pinot and a credit card linked to my itunes account. Dangerous combo if you ask me.

I've got a long list of downloads; Michael Jackson, Spice Girls (yeah, I said it), some Luther maybe? Old school.

Tonight I go back 20 years - okay 15.

Another world.

Find your dominant sense. Go back into time with a great song, a sweet smell, a delicious taste, or a soft touch.

Find the music to your ears (or nose, mouth - you get the point).

Cheaters Never Win

Last night my good friend from the burbs spent the night at my place in the city. Its a monthly ritual of sorts; work out, order dinner, wine, and stay up late talking for hours. Not all of our nights in have been that routine of course. One night the wine flowed a little too much and we were cat walking in my kitchen at 1a.m. to Kelly Clarkson. Safe space. Don't tell.

Last night we talked about dating, sex, love (and ironically discussed which order those should come in). We got on the topic of cheating and what would be considered cheating. After my long term relationship I have a zero tolerance policy. I just can't let it go. She felt similarly.

What was interesting is how the concept and outlets for cheating have changed. With text messaging, Facebook,, tweeting and more, there are so many more opportunities and gray areas. I read online about sex messaging. People that have encounters via text. Well make sure that person is in your fave 5 and don't use up all your anytime minutes.

If your boyfriend (or girlfriend) flirted via text or online would you consider it cheating? Where do you draw the line in the sand? At the end of our discussion (and the bottom of our wine) we mutually agreed on the following:

Cheating is anything that you would not feel comfortable doing or saying in front of your spouse. It's sort of like that Aerosmith video-style dress that you wore back in the 80s with your big bangs? Just say no.

A back rub? Long lingering hug? Calling an "old friend"? If your partner was there would you still do it?

Think about your decisions and how they will impact other people. This is true in life - and not just in love.